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The New Dating Game
Joke Info
Category : Adventures of the Rusty Goat
Rating : 5.00
Contributor : n/a
Type : T
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| "Ya know what's wrong with us? We're old school...we treat all these women right." He paused and shrugged his shoulders, "and they ain't likin' it." I nodded my head, "Yeah, I know...same thought's passed through my mind. I
don't understand why it's like that. It ain't like we're chasing young gals. These women should be old school too." He snuffed out his cigarette, "I reckon they musta forgot somewhere along the way."
I feel like I was frozen in an iceberg for a few thousand years and finally thawed out ten months ago. This 'chasing women' thing has changed so much since the last time I was out there that I find myself totally lost. Now keep in
mind that the last time I was out there was a mere eight years ago...not such a long time ago unless you're a German Shepard. Back in the 'good old days' eight years ago, things were simple...you found a girl at the bar, you
danced with her, you asked her to come sit at your table...you bought her a couple of drinks or ten and you danced a dozen dances. Right there at the very end of the last dance of the night, you laid a big ol' kiss on her and you had
you a girl...for happily ever after or three weeks...whichever came first. If that one didn't work out, ya just got back out there and did the same thing all over again...it was that easy. Boys and girls...it ain't that easy anymore.
I tried playing that game when I first got back out there nearly a year ago. I asked a cute little gal if she'd like to come sit at my table and talk...her eyes rolled back in her head and her jaw dropped...then she ran out the door...never
saw her again. I tried it again the next week. I was walking a gal off the dance floor and I said, "Hey, here's my table...wanna sit down and talk?" She grabbed her cell phone and frantically began dialing...I said, "Whatch doing?"
She screamed, "I'm calling 911...you pervert!" Well, I might have stretched that a tiny bit. I told the story to my son, who is really up on the current 'chasing chicks' techniques. He shook his head. "Dad...when you say 'we're talking' it
means you're seeing someone exclusively...what you use to call 'going together' back in your day. These women probably think you're moving way too fast when you tell them you want to talk to them. Give all that up...it's not how
you do it anymore.' Well, I have tried to eliminate the work 'talk' from my vocabulary...I can't take the chance of getting myself arrested. While I'm on the subject of communication...that's just gone all womperskat these days, too. It
wasn't nothing to ask a girl for her phone number back in the day eight years ago...you'd dance with them all evening and the next day you'd call them and they'd talk on the phone for six hours which gave you a pretty good idea of
what you'd be getting yourself into before the first date. I have learned that asking for a phone number is equivalent to asking their bra size. My son clued me in on that little no-no after a few mishaps. "Dad, nobody talks on the
phone...totally not cool. You text them...you tweet them...you facebook them....no talking on the phone!" Are you taking notes? No talking...of any kind. The challenge nowdays is getting to know someone in 140 characters or less,
including spaces and punctuation.
I tried this a couple of times, which use to work...asking them if they wanted to go eat after the bar closed. I did that all the time back in the ice age...eight years ago...they'd jump at a free meal. It gave me the opportunity to ah,
communicate with a girl and also get a good look at her in the light...those neon lights at the bar can really play tricks on your eyes, ya know. I put myself out there just a few weeks ago...it was late in the night and I had a pretty gal
out on the dance floor and I asked her, "Hey, do you want to grab something to eat when we're through here?" She pulled back, "Huh, eat? Eat at 2 am...that's weird...you're weird." I'm making a mental note to ask my son about
this...it probably translates to something really kinky. I figure I might as well ask a girl to go to Vegas with me, rent the honeymoon suite...and if it was as good for her as it was for me, we'd go downstairs to the chapel and get Elvis
to marry us. So far everyting we've discussed is related to simply breaking the ice...I haven't even gotten to the dating thing yet...which I've figured out...does not exist anymore.
A few months into being single again...after more than a few bad experiences, I began...um, communicating with a local girl. We seemed to um...communicate fairly well and I began trying how to figure out how to ask her for a date.
I casually mentioned that I had gone dancing the weekend before hoping the conversation would lead to the opportunity to invite her to go dancing with me. Instead, I got a fifteen minute lecture on how sorry men at the bar are and
how they only want one thing and ain't nobody gettin' in her britches til they put a ring on her finger...I decided that dancing was out of the question. We cruised along for a couple of months...um...communicating. I was completely
scared to death to approach the subject of dating...who knows what sort of vivid nightmares the idea of bowling might bring to the surface...and so, the relationship that never was just sorta fizzled out.
I tried going out to eat by myself when I first became single. I was enjoying a chicken fried steak one Saturday evening when I overheard a little girl ask her mother, "Mommy, why is that man eating all by himself?' Her mother
leaned over and whispered, "He's a very lonely man...don't you feel sorry for him." I wasn't lonely...I was hungry, dammit. I gave it one more try...a cute young waitress came to take my order and when I looked up, I saw tears in her
eyes. She said, "You remind me of my dad...he's all alone too." She smiled, "I'm going to bring you a big piece of cholocate cake...no charge." Well, I decided...no more eating out alone..I was disturbing people. I tried asking girls
out to 'just eat with me...please...I want to eat out somewhere.' I asked a girl at work one day, "Hey, wanna go grab a burger with me at lunch?" She froze..."I...uh...don't take lunch on Thursdays." I replied, "How about
tomorrow?"..."or Fridays." Sheesh...I just want to go eat at the Texas Roadhouse...it's been nearly a year! Yeah, I'm gonna walk in there and the hostess is gonna say, "How many in your party?" I reply, "One...how long's the wait?"
She'll clear her throat..."Three hours...unless you don't mind eating in the kitchen."
One recent Friday night I just lost it. I had danced several dances with a pretty little gal when I looked at her and said, "I want to eat at the Texas Roadhouse Saturday evening...I don't want a date...I don't want a relationship...I don't
want a wife...and I don't want sex...I just want to eat at the Roadhouse. Will you go eat with me?" She smiled and looked into my eyes, "Yeah...no, I'm not ready for all that...but I'll dance with you every Saturday night...how's that?"
OK...I gotcha...dancing or nothing! I'm going back to my iceberg... |
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