Funny Quotes by Famous People

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' -- Larry Miller

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? -- Marilyn Pittman

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? -- Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of herself and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. -- Christopher Case

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' -- Paula Poundstone

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. -- Conan O'Brien

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?I think that's how dogs spend their lives. -- Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that 1 out of every 4 Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your 3 best friends. If they'reokay, then it's you. -- Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. -- Jerry Seinfeld

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' -- Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner. -- Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' -- Richard Jeni

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? -- Warren Hutcherson

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player. -- Marsha Warfield

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. -- Jeff Stilson

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -- George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles A day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. -- Ellen DeGeneres

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -- Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -- Carol Leifer

The 2nd day of a diet is always easier than the 1st. By the 2nd day you're off it. -- Jackie Gleason

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -- Dave Edison

Don't spend $2 to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents. -- William Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. -- A. Whitney Brown

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. -- Jim Carrey

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